Chris' Story

What was difficult or traumatizing about your childhood?

John Eldredge teaches that most of us have a 'father wound' rooted in an absence of validation and delight from our fathers. My dad loved me but we did not have a close relationship. He also stopped going to church just as I turned 12, and since 12 is a coming of age for men in my church, his absence at that time was profound. My mom continued going to church, and so religion in our family became a “no-fly zone”.

I turned to pornography for escape and religion for validation. What an awful combination they have been in my life! I always resisted going to pornography, but I hid the struggle deeply because I desired validation from my church leaders. I needed my leaders to tell me I was good and worthy, therefore I rarely chose to confess to them. A few times I did confess to a religious leader, but shame kept me from returning to them after I acted out again.

My emotional hiding became so extreme that my mom gave me a “chore” to talk with her or Dad for 15 minutes a day. She was right on; I needed support around pornography, needing friends, and school struggles. But I wouldn’t share. I remember sitting awkwardly on the couch next to my mom while she encouraged me to share about anything at all. I never shared anything and she eventually gave up. My family consider themselves close but I didn’t emotionally connect with them, particularly while growing up.

When and how did addiction start for you?

I discovered masturbation in the shower one day. It surprised me, and I avoided it the best I could over the following months. I never told anyone. I discovered pornography in a few random places, such as finding a Playboy magazine on the ground. The internet was invented around then and that really contributed. 

The biggest single contributor to addiction for me was never reaching out for help or support, which made it impossible to break out of the addiction cycle. I remember feeling the spirit at church one day when I was 16 or so. I vowed never to look at pornography or masturbate again, and I really felt like I would keep that commitment. 30 minutes after getting home from church I was acting out again. That cycle played out over and over. It was very discouraging and negatively re-enforcing.

Prior to recovery what were your beliefs around God?

God-life was shallow for me. I wouldn’t have described it that way at the time, but I also didn’t know what it was like to have a real, vibrant relationship with anyone, much less with God. I believed in God as someone who had all power, but I found it very difficult to access that power. I read the scriptures, seeking ways out of the addiction. At ~15 yrs old I remember reading in D&C that our sins are forgiven when we share our testimony. So I shared my testimony a few times, my motivation being forgiveness of my sins. 

My mission to Korea felt like a success at the time. I was a great rule-keeper, but I don’t recall being particularly led by the spirit. I remember praying a couple times to know where to go but didn't feel anything and gave up trying. I taught one discussion in English on a military base, and it was shockingly difficult. I thought it was because of the difficulty of translating the discussion to English. But now I believe it was because I had no depth to my testimony. Teaching in another language covered up that lack of depth in most cases.

A Bishop asked me when was the last time I had prayed for 10 minutes (I couldn’t remember). He challenged me to try it, but I never did. Numbing, hiding, and distracting characterized those years. I never gave God (or anybody) 10 real minutes of myself.

Additionally, because my Dad didn’t go to church and I didn’t have close relationships with men at church, I began to see church as something for women. I saw myself as weak / effeminate because I chose to go to church. That added to the religious baggage I already had from addiction.

At the height of your addiction what did your acting out look like?

I would seek out pornography/stimulus wherever I could, whether from the neighbor’s house, our family bookshelf (you’d be surprised what you can find), or my brother’s bedroom. The computer and internet came along and made accessing pornography much simpler and more predictable…leading to a lot more acting out.

In marriage, I would push my wife for sex out of personal desire rather than as a bonding experience with her. I even threatened to move out once because she refused to have sex. I told her, “How can you expect me to live with a beautiful woman and not have sex?” I see now that the comment on her beauty was manipulative rather than sincere. I just wanted to have sex regularly regardless of how she felt. I was not loving and honoring her in our intimacy. I was not bringing my strength to her.

After recovering from pornography, I began turning to fast food and junk food as a substitute source of comfort. My wife noticed and begged me to stop. I drew a line and insisted she not mention it again. So I created a Cold War around junk food. Food addiction hampered my spiritual and emotional development just as pornography had.

What did rock bottom look like for you?

I’ve had several rock bottoms, each kicking off another level of growth and recovery. The first rock bottom followed multiple failed dating relationships as well as many confessions to bishops. With women I dated, the relationship would develop until hiding my addiction became a barrier. Then I’d move on from the relationship without disclosing the true reason. With bishops, I would only confess once. I wouldn’t go back to a bishop after acting out again. Too much shame. 

Finally as a 25 yr old Master's student at BYU I reached out to a therapist for help. Talking with him openly was sooo good for me. But even then I eventually acted out again. I remember thinking, “Well, therapy was going well but I'm not going back to him.” But I did go back! And it changed everything to reach out again after falling. It changed my relationship with the therapist from a source of shame to a source for connection and support. I now have many relationships that offer support and connection. Vulnerable connection is a basic principle of lasting recovery for me.

In 2020 I hit yet another rock bottom, this time around food addiction. It was kicked off by diabetic symptoms (felt lots of shame!) when I ate sugar and then exacerbated by the pandemic quarantine and eating at home. I finally committed to only eating the wholesome food we have at home and no more eating at restaurants or junk food. This change uncovered many uncomfortable, old wounds that I had avoided looking at or correcting. I've experienced incredible spiritual and emotional growth in 2020 as a result of rooting out addiction in this part of my life and then facing what came up.

When, why and how did you decide to come clean and get help?

I “came clean” many times through my life, but usually I waited until I was 6+ weeks sober before confessing. That way I could fool myself and the bishop into thinking I was 'over it'. But the times I confessed right after acting out made the most significant difference in my recovery. For example:

• I went back to the therapist after having acted out, as mentioned earlier. 
• I confessed to my wife about having acted out. I was 30 yrs old, had just gotten my first (and only) smartphone, and my son was 1 yr old. I remember sitting in bed thinking, “What did I just do?!” After about 30 minutes I told my wife. It was hard! But I wanted to stop the addiction cycle. 
• During my recovery years I had to continue choosing to come clean after each slip. Recovery is never a foregone conclusion. It is always possible to slide back.

Why do I come clean? Because being addicted sucks! The addiction cycle sucks. It is hell.

How has your wife responded to your addiction and recovery process? How has she healed?

She has been a rock, a mentor, and a dear companion. My wife went through therapy herself from 20-26 yrs old. So she knew the process of recovery and healing. Her attitude when I acted out was, “Okay, let’s deal with this. We’ll go deep and heal the core wounds.” That said, it wasn’t easy. She felt betrayal and all the emotions that naturally result. She supported me through 2.5 years of therapy, many emotional, drama-filled days, and through a subsequent faith crisis and food addiction.

There were many times that I wished she wasn’t so strong and healed. I wished that she would just give in to my addictive desires and even join me in them. I’ve since asked her forgiveness and thanked her for her support and integrity. I am healing and we are healing largely because of her strength, wisdom, and determination which is rooted in Jesus Christ.

An amazing characteristic she offers is forgiveness as soon as I’m really ready to repent. My mistakes still hurt her, and we work through all the emotional fallout. But she doesn’t hold back forgiveness or hold onto resentment.

What were the pivotal points / game changers / lessons learned in your recovery process?

I observe three distinct levels of healing in my journey as I learned to: 

• Share who I am, before achieving sobriety. This first happened with my BYU therapist and going back to him after acting out.
• Go upstream of the addiction to find the underlying hurts and fears. This happened through more therapy and Lifestar. An especially pivotal event came through creating and sharing a Trauma Egg of painful and difficult life experiences and then an Angel Egg of the positive life experiences.
• Be restored in my relationship with God. This began in 2017 and continues to deepen, with 2018 with the Wild at Heart men’s retreat and 2020 pandemic quarantine being especially pivotal experiences.

Key principles:

• Vulnerability — I shared earlier that real change for me came when confessing shortly after acting out, when the pain and shame were still raw.
• Network of people I can be real with and reach out to — I have built a spider web of support beneath me so that when I fall or struggle I don’t fall too far. Every real relationship is a thread in my support network. Some threads are thicker and stronger than others. It only takes one to effect real change, but more is better.
• Going upstream — sexual addiction is not about sex. There is always some emotion or trigger upstream from acting out. Use curious questioning to tease out the root. Example: 
• Q: Why did I feel more pull than normal to act out yesterday? 
• A: I was angry. 
• Q: Why was I angry? 
• A; Because of a disagreement with my wife. 
• Root: Ah, that is the thing to resolve. Once that is resolved the pull to act out dissipates.
• Including God — I recovered quite a lot without deliberately including God. But once I included Him, my life (and recovery) jumped forward dramatically. During my faith crisis my wife often said, “More is possible with God.” Over and over I’m delighted to find that more really is possible with God.

What part has God played in your recovery?

I didn't recognize God in much of my recovery before 2018, but now I see his hand throughout my life. For example, the first Bishop I confessed to called me two weeks after my confession. He told me the Spirit prompted him to call and asked how things were going. I told him I was fine and feeling really good, when in reality I was looking at pornography at that moment! I refused God's support! In 2009  God led us to a ward where the Bishop was a recently recovered pornography addict. That Bishop was an incredible support and led me to other helpful resources such as Lifestar. This time, I accepted the support God was offering.

Some experiences with God stand out:

In 2017 I began journaling prayers to God. One day I was particularly open with my emotions and felt God answer! I ended up recording a whole conversation with God that day, the next day, and for months afterwards. His personality, advice, and presence were loving and kind. But eventually those conversations stopped because I began doubting it was really God and returned to fearing Him. I’ve now opened up again and can journal conversations with Him. Vulnerability is the key. Share your whole heart with Him!

During the father's wound session of my first Wild at Heart men’s retreat, John Eldredge prayed, “Jesus is now asking that you forgive him.” That whole session rocked my world and then Jesus asked me to forgive him! Years of anger at God melted away in seconds. I had been angry at Him for not just healing me or taking away the desire to act out. I share more on that retreat experience here.

The pandemic quarantine has been a disruptive time as God has taken me into my past, to repent and cleanse old wounds. This was possible because I gave up food addiction. This healing of old wounds and learning to process emotional events with God is finally TRUE recovery and freedom from the root of addiction.

What are your best recovery resources?

• Real connection/relationship with God. 
• Listen to your spouse. A spouse knows us better than anyone else. Receiving her suggestions/criticisms has been difficult and humbling for me…and my recovery flies forward when I do it. I wallow in defensiveness otherwise.
• Real connection/relationships with men. Relationships where I can reach out when I need them. 
• Wild at Heart book and men’s retreat. These retreats are available worldwide.
• The Knight in Rusty Armor by Robert Fisher (you can read a pdf version here).
• The Great Divorce by C.S. Lewis
• LifeStar and therapy
• Continuing recovery: going further and further upstream of sex/porn and into our core wounds. Our addictions affect so many areas of our lives and when it has gone on for years there is significant work to be done.

What areas do you continue to struggle / face the biggest challenges in recovery?

I always hated acting out again. I wanted to heal and be done, never to struggle again. Even now it can be hard to go to my wife and say, “I'm having a hard time emotionally.” Or, “I had a trigger while on the internet at work.” It is even harder to have her point out when I'm struggling, “Chris, you seem off. You are being less kind and considerate with me.” My first reaction when she says this is often, “No, I’m fine. Maybe you are struggling with something.” 🤦

I’m starting to see some growth in this struggle though! Since the Wild at Heart retreat in 2018 and learning about fighting for my wife, I’ve committed to reacting to my wife like I want to react to the Holy Spirit: assume she is right and what she is saying is worth hearing. That one change has been incredible for my recovery, for our relationship, and significantly reduces the time I spend in drama (when I follow it).

I have also spent so much of my life blocked from God, it is taking a lot of time/effort to heal that. When I have emotions or struggles, my learned reaction is to go to numbing or distraction, whether it is pornography, food, or web-browsing. Giving each of these up has uncovered deeper layers of wounds that need to be healed.

How have you found healing in Christ?

God has shown up for me in many, many ways since I’ve chosen to turn to him. Several times I have woken up in the night feeling a fiery, burning in my heart and then expanding out to my entire body. I believe that was Him cleaning me out. It was what I always wanted as a trapped teenager. But now it is possible because I’m opening up to Him and have a foundation for sustaining the healing. I also began reading a modern translation of the Bible “The Message”. The book of Romans blew me away! God and Christ loved us before we loved them. Christ atoned for me while I was still a sinner. That book is full of grace and mercy I always wanted but never felt. Now it is real for me.

Through the Wild at Heart message I’ve learned to take my search for validation/worthiness/value to God rather than to my wife. He has told me that I am good, kind, and loving. That He dearly wants a relationship with me, and He loves me. He has led me into my wounds and then healed them. It is really wonderful and nothing like the God I feared for so many years.

As a result of taking my question to God instead of my wife, I began to care more about her than about sex. And to see her as whole and strong even when she is struggling. Challenges are now something we face together rather than me blaming her for them. I now fight for my wife and children, praying for them and over them. When my wife and I are struggling, I pray for us. I choose faith in God daily, which aligns well with the idea of choosing recovery daily.

How is your life/your relationships different after being in recovery?

For most of my life I had little to offer to relationships. I didn’t have strong opinions or thoughts. I would go along with others really easily. But there was little passion or life. I used to approach life from a ‘helpless’ point of view. After recovery I find that I actually have a lot to offer to relationships and have a lot of passion! Addiction numbing covered up most of it before. I now have many male connections and friends. Men who I am real with about the big, hard topics of life. Many who have come through Wild at Heart retreats that I’ve facilitated (as part of my new-found passion). I’m a better Dad, more present and quick to correct when I make a mistake. I have always loved my wife, but I know her better now. We are becoming one in purpose as I release and repent of all the ways I have resisted God and true connection. And ‘getting to sex’ is no longer a driving factor for me in my relationship with my wife. I care more about her heart and our relationship than I do about ejaculating.