Sarah's Story

 

What was your childhood like? Describe your family of origin?

There were good things, like general stability, socioeconomic privilege, and my mother’s love. But my family of origin was also divorced, disconnected, absent, and abusive. In college I came to realize that I needed help, so after graduation I dedicated myself to emotional healing with both God and a marriage and family therapist. I met with the therapist weekly for six years, and met my husband near the end of that period.

Prior to recovery what were your beliefs around God?

I was active in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints throughout my childhood, but religion didn’t go deep until college. There I was exposed to an incredible diversity of ideas, lifestyles, and beliefs, so I set out to discover what it was I really believed. Slowly, with much seeking, I found a personal testimony of God and The Church. But it wasn’t until I walked with God through therapy (my own recovery) that I really came to rely on God in relationship. I learned that God can show me how to heal. That He is aware of me. And that He is involved. I can rely on Him when all else fails.

Today I would add that Jesus is the Christ. He doesn't just show me how to heal, He heals me. He’s right here with me, always. He knows and adores me as I am. He is my first and greatest resource for everything. He is the power that sustains my life.

When did you first learn about the addiction?

While dating! And yet we still married. Can you believe it?

Chris achieved sobriety with the help of a therapist before he met me, so as our dating relationship progressed, he told me about his addiction. What a shocking reveal! Growing up in The Church, I was taught that pornography was evil, and I couldn't imagine sticking around after Chris' disclosure. Yet God intervened in a powerful way. In that moment God showed me Chris’ good heart and then filled me with His own love for Chris. Instead of feeling afraid of his addiction, I felt only love, compassion, and empathy.

Wary, I discussed it with my therapist. She said I’d be hard pressed to find a man who isn't addicted to pornography, and Chris’ willingness to talk about it would make a huge difference for good. So I married him in faith. I know now that I was naive about addiction and pornography. But I also know my therapist was right; pornography addiction is common, and Chris’ willingness to be honest with me is a huge blessing. I'm grateful for the way things worked out.

What was life like with your Husband prior to knowing about his addiction?

Life before his first slip seemed mostly fine. First we were dating, then honeymooning. A year later we conceived our first child. We checked in regularly about his sobriety. He had some “quirks” that I now know came from white-knuckling sobriety, rather than true recovery. For example, he didn't have many opinions or preferences of his own, he didn’t have much to share when we talked, and he always wanted to do less, take it easy. Eventually, when the stress of our child made it harder to resist his addiction, he began falling asleep while we talked. There was also a disconnect for him around religion. He was doing “all the things” — checking off the obedience checklist — but I could tell that his heart wasn't converted the way mine was.

Learning about your husbands addiction affected you how

The first time Chris acted out in our marriage I experienced trauma. I remember it vividly, the way people remember 9-11. I was also furious! I was mad he had slipped even though we were conscientious about avoiding risks. I was mad that he waited 30 minutes to tell me (which, I later learned, is great accountability). I didn’t trust him, and I had no idea what to do. I took his phone away, locked the computer, and called my bishop. My attitude was that we would do whatever it took to dig deep and prevent this from happening again.

What were the pivotal points / game changers / lessons learned in your recovery process?

A sad, but deep, pivotal moment was the day I understood how deep his addiction ran. It affected every aspect of his life. It wasn’t just pornography, it was daily triggers while driving or going to the grocery store. It was fantasies and life perspectives. It was asking for sex with me when he really needed help with his emotions. It was not simple or quick to heal, and it permeated every way I related to him. 

A game changer was learning that his addiction is not actually about sex! It’s about mishandled emotions, and everyone mishandles emotions in some way. When I give in to avoiding my emotions, I usually act out with food, self blame, or thinking instead of feeling. This understanding helped me find compassion for Chris’ journey. Helped me support him instead of fight against him.

A beautiful moment was discovering that my real, recovered husband is even more attractive than the man I dated.

And working out sex in our marriage was misery. I had my own sexual trauma that added to his addiction to thoroughly sabotage sexual encounters. Sheesh! Only God could sort out that mess. But when He did… that was a real game changer.

What part has God played in your recovery?

God was the director (and my therapist His assistant) during those 6 years of therapy before I married. I consider those years my recovery — that was when I healed from my own wounds and addictions, when I learned emotional management.

Unfortunately, during much of my husband’s recovery, I was blocked from God (due to an unrelated event that happened years before). I felt betrayed and abandoned by God and those feelings, unexpressed, blocked me from Him. He managed to get a revelation or a hint of the spirit through to me a few times a year. It was miserable.

Then my husband intentionally turned away from God and religion. We fought a lot over it. Eventually I tried walking away from religion and God in order to be close again to my husband, my best friend. It didn’t work. Our marriage got worse and I was even lonelier. 

When I forgave God, He was right there again! I could hear from Him daily. Six months after that, He healed the PTSD I experienced with sexual intimacy. He taught me to trust myself. I began to discern how Chris’ addiction was affecting sex and our conversations. Then our marriage started to really change. It got harder before it got better, but eventually it got a whole lot better.

The best part with God in Chris’ recovery was when God revealed to me His plan for Chris and my role in His plan. I knew that God was in charge, He was working on Chris and our marriage, and I was assisting. I knew better when to comment, when to let go, and how much to get involved. When hard times with Chris were too much to bear, God would find a way to fill me back up. When I felt despair at how long the process was taking, God would remind me where we were in the journey. God was always faithful.

What are your best recovery resources?

• God. Especially a deep, personal, daily relationship with God.
• Authenticity. Speaking my truth! Talking openly with others.
• LifeStar and 12 Step meetings.
• The book Love You, Hate the Porn by Geoff Steuer.
• The book The Knight in Rusty Armor by Robert Fisher (you can read a pdf version here).
• Brene Brown’s work on vulnerability.
• The book Walking with God by John Eldredge.

How have you been able to regain trust in your husband

Because of my husband’s honesty I didn’t have deep wounds from hiding and betrayal. But I still have wounds from his emotional drama (that reactive place that precedes acting out), and it has been hard to regain trust. Each time I feel distrust, I talk about it with Chris. When he reacts to my words he validates the distrust and, to use Brene Brown’s metaphor, takes marbles out of our trust jar. When he responds compassionately and truthfully, he adds marbles to the trust jar. Over time, as he has become stronger in recovery, marbles have built up again in the trust jar.

How do you know he's not still lying?

LifeStar taught us a concept about “going upstream” and I use the idea to detect how he is doing without trusting his word for it. Subtle changes in behavior happen upstream, or before my husband acts out. He resists exercise, eats more junk food. He uses canned responses in conversation, becomes less kind and dismissive or distracted with me and others. He is less vulnerable and real. When I point out these behaviors, he gets angry and defensive. A lot of these things happen when he’s mishandling his emotions and heading for trouble. But most of them don’t happen when he’s coping well.

I will add though, that this awareness didn’t come for me until Chris had gone through lots of recovery and I knew the difference between the recovered man and the addict. Prior to that it was more helpful to focus on me and God, and leave my husband and his behavior in God’s hands. In other words, I didn’t trust my husband. I trusted God, and I followed God closely.

How have you found healing in Christ?

In every way. When I have been close to God, He has solved every problem. He healed me from PTSD. He put forgiveness into my heart. He taught me His plan for my husband’s recovery (so helpful, but M…U…C…H… longer than I wanted). Once a week for a year He assured me that I was at the hardest part and to keep holding on. Sometimes He’s taught me to understand my husband better. Sometimes He’s called my husband to repentance at my prayerful request. Sometimes I’ve felt Him comforting me when obeying His directions seemed to make things worse. Everything is better with Jesus. He heals bodies, minds, emotions, souls and relationships. I access His healing by being vulnerable with God, by sharing my whole heart with Him and then receiving His response.

How is life/the relationship with your husband different after being in recovery?

Well, every stage of recovery was different. Right after he acted out and for many years of recovery, our relationship and interactions were much, much worse. For a long time. There were many days (years really) of "Dancing in the Minefields" (the title of a favorite song). There were many seasons of roller-coaster dynamics.

But after 10 years of recovery, and especially in light of Chris' recent growth, I would say that my husband is transformed. He is becoming a whole person, with depth, preferences, emotions, and a voice of his own. He is able to work, parent our children constructively, and take initiative in home and family needs. He is able to listen to me and engage with the things that interest me. And he is just starting to see me and, soon I think, he will be able to show up as an equal in our marriage. He struggled to do these things when he was white-knuckling. As I said before in my write-up, I'm even more in love with recovered-Chris than I was with the Chris I dated.