Midst the Mistake

I made a mistake and I feel rotten about it. I’ve prayed for forgiveness and still feel lousy. Maybe I need to forgive myself. What experience or wisdom do you have to share with me?

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Additional backstory, not included in the video:

I contracted ringworm. Not sure how; I’ve never had a skin condition like it, nor do I know anyone with ringworm, nor do I have pets or interact with pets. Yet here it is. Covering my back and torso, eking down my arms, threatening my thighs. Oh, and itching.

I’ve tried a round of treatment. The rash responded by spreading rapidly. Now I’m looking at an intense approach for round two, but ugh! I do not like this game. I asked God for help.

I didn’t hear much when I prayed, but later when I read the scriptures I ended up at a passage I’ve been curious about in the past. It’s in a health code revealed from God, called the Word of Wisdom (D&C 89). One of the verses says that strong drinks (which I interpret as all alcoholic drinks) are not for ingesting, but for washing.

D&C 89:7, “And, again, strong drinks are not for the belly, but for the washing of your bodies.”

I took that verse as my answer. I prayed and God confirmed. Wash with alcohol. Yes. As in, take a beverage prohibited in my community and favored by the rest of the world and rub it on my skin.

BTW. I live in a small Mormon community. To my knowledge, Mormons DO NOT wash with alcoholic drinks. If I ran into my neighbor on the purchasing trip, just how was I going to successfully explain that 1) I was not going to actually drink the beverage, 2) I have a highly contagious rash, 3) Yes, I know this sounds odd, both to Mormons and those who aren’t Mormon alike, but I’m trying it anyway. For reals.

I ignored those fears and drove to the liquor store, where I asked for help and bought the cheapest bottle of wine. (Yes, perhaps vodka would have been better. I needed a baby step.) I took that (baby) step of faith. But I was not calm.

As I’m checking out, the cashier inquires, “What are you planning to do with this?” And I panic. Really, answering, “Wash my ringworm rash” would have probably left me with a great story to tell and a new tongue-twister to boot. But in the moment I panicked. Contagious rash. Mormon buying wine for bathing. No way. I was not going there.

I said, “Cook with it.”

Ugh. Such a pitiful ending. And the emotional setting for the video above.

P.S. If you know me in person, I no longer have ringworm! ;)

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Video Transcript (edited):

I'm not so chipper right now. I'm a bit heavy-hearted. But I promised myself that I would share when things are good, and I would share when things are hard because I value authenticity. This is a time when things are hard. And sharing right now feels oh so risky.

Here's the thing. I've been praying for something and God gave me some directions. His instructions were a little bit uncomfortable and a little bit hard, but I decided I was going to exercise my faith and dare greatly. I was going to go for it. So I did this uncomfortable, hard thing but I did not do it calmly. I did it in a tense state.

Then, when a stranger asked me about my purpose, I didn’t explain. I lied.

I am really disappointed in myself. Here I was, trying to dare greatly, step outside my comfort zone and do the Right Thing and in the process I hid the truth. I'm really disappointed in myself.

So this is the low. And I’m sharing it with you. I wish I had made a different choice. This stinks.

So. Where do I go from here?

Maybe you can help me. Leave your thoughts in the comments below.

My go-to was to pray, and I've already done so. But I think I’ve got more praying to do, more sharing my heart with God so that Christ can heal me, because I still feel lousy.

Maybe I need to ask forgiveness of God… Actually, wait. I did ask forgiveness! And I felt the spirit. So maybe I also need to believe it. I've found that sometimes I need to forgive myself and actually say the words. I might say, “Sarah, will you forgive me for lying?" And then tell myself, "Yes, Sarah. I forgive you for lying and being dishonest."

Anyway, I'm not proud of lying. But I am sharing it.

What experiences do you have to share with me? What wisdom, what thoughts, to teach me and everybody else?

Keep shining!